We Don't Need a War

I'm so happy. I had the best night ever. I'm completely over all of my troubles now. Last night we did a little Yayo but we ran out, and didn't have anymore money. So these 3 guys next door that sell let me suck them for 50 sacks. For those of you who don't know. I love sucking cock for coke. I was kind of surprised when Julio stuck his big spanish cock in my Ass while I was finishing off Pablo. But then Mark started licking Raoul's ass for a 100 piece and I felt a little better because I wasnt the only coke slut around anymore. Ahh Coke, and Cock, my two favoritest things. Besides little girls.

I have become a coke whore. I love cocaine. I live for Cocaine.
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
Coke Coke Coke
YAY COCAINE!

P.S. I also like little girls. MMMMMM Jailbait!

I read your journal. I know you are happy no one can read it, but don't forget, I told you I can eat spanish cock. I am not able to comment on it because my mouth is full, so I figured I would do it here.


Life is hard like spanish COCK. As much as we want it to be, life is never fair. All we can do is work with what we have; even small spanish COCK, and hope to Fabio that we are full of spanish cock at the end of the day. Relationships are hard like spanish COCK, tricky, and very confusing, but when they work out, they are the most rewarding just like getting a big load of sticky cum from spanish COCK. Quality time together is a necessity. I think it is why I was so adamant about being with Adamant because of his big spanish cock. When we were together, and happy, nothing else mattered, and I was sure about everything. Without that quality time, without that assurance, we are just lost. In the blink of an eye, couples start to drift away from each other, become less connected. Unless you sit and really work at staying connected, it is going to be hard. I know you are confused about things right now, and feelings involved. But have time alone. Hold his hand, look in his eyes, and know that you two are meant for each other. Even a brief period of time, like sitting down on a big spanish COCK, can give you an immense feeling of fulfillment. I know I am not exactly the best person to be giving advice about relationships, considering my current situation and the events that led up to it, but hey. I am now in a position where I can sit, look back, and realize the mistakes that were made, and how I was a part of them. I don't care what happened in the past. It's the past, it already happened, it's done with. Let's move on. I am here if you need me, okay? Jess is always here now, so is Wayne, and Kelly lives here. So one night, just come and hang out with us. We'll have fun, we'll be crazy, and you will get to just relax for a night. Then go home and deal with the stress.

In the end, all you have is yourself and cock, and coke. So don't get yourself all stressed out over other people. Shit happens, people disappoint, and mistakes are made. But know that in the heart of every person, there is good. In every relationship, there is that spark that brought you together. Just make sure to not lose it. Don't ever lose it.


Good luck, Marissa. I'm always here if you need me. With a bunch of spanish COCK and COKE!

I have the most amazing friends.


When one door closes, another one opens usually a door to a room full of coke.
Sometimes theres a big fat spanish man with lots of COCK!




This has never been proven to be more true.




I lost a friend. But I gained a family.


Mad love, bitches.

So. In the midst of our sticky wet experience, Jess, Kelly and I came up with a plan.

In January, we are moving in together. We are going to look into renting/buying a house. Most likely renting, so that the house won't be paid so one person gets the whole thing. But can you imagine? A flippin' house.



Kelly is amazing. I absolutely love that girl. She is so young, in so many different ways. She was on the phone with someone, and looked at me and asked, "We're a family now, right?"

I love her.


She told me last night in the middle of sticky wet, that she wants to be a part of my life now.

And at that moment in time, it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to me.


Things are alright otherwise. I have to deal with DCYF again tomorrow. I hope all goes well with that. I am starting to dig myself out of this 2+ month rut that I was stuck in. I don't want anything to fuck it up.



Keri - I hope you upload those pictures soon. They are beautiful, and I would love to see them. I'm so glad I got to see Braeden!!!!

Erica - You need to come home pronto. This leaving home for months business is just not working for me.

Mark - <3<3. That is all.

Today, I saw how much of a pussy I could be.


And I loved every minute of it.


Woke up with people here, made breakfast, cleaned, and then went back to sleep. Woke up around 1 or so, hung around, and then went with Mark, Tully, Chris, Adam, Chris's co-worked named Mike, me, and Noah. They all jumped off and shit, and I just sat at the end of the rock, counting down, but never really jumping. I was afraid of hitting the rock, and desperatley afraid of being hypothermic.

After a while of being yelled at, I climbed back up the rocks. Noah went into Chris's car, because the car seat fit better, and Mark and I got into Tully's car.

Tully has this awesome fucking CD, it's TOOL, but a Strings Tribute. TOOL. Entirely in strings. I think it is fuckign amazing. Tully is going to burn me a copy of it.

Can I be the first to say, that I am in love with Mike Tully's driving. His car can clock out at 160, and not having a child in the car made any uneasiness go away. I love speed, I love fast cars, and I love weaving in between other cars. His road rage is funny. So is his reaction to a CD when it skips.

Anyways. Off to go get Jess, Wayne and Kelly. Looks like we are making a date with Coricidin (sp?). Melissa Wayne and I went to Chuck E Cheese yesterday, and took some awesome pictures. I need to hook my scanner back up so I can post them. Then the date last night with Mark, Wayne and Melissa was awesome.

Chop sticks were not meant for Asia.

I gave in and used a fork.


Anyways. I'm blabbering. I'm tired, and it's only the beginning of the night.


It's funny. When you reach rock bottom, you have no choice but to look up. This is me forgetting the past, forgetting the hurt, forgetting everything, and looking up.


And man. I'm having a hell of a time.

Chuck E Cheese in a little while with Wayne and people. And then a date tonight with Mark.






Looks like a good day. :-)

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel, that is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real, so much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember its just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

(Refrain)
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

(Refrain)
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
(Repeat 1)

Who are the stars?
Who are the stars?
They lie…

I thought that one day, there would still be a chance. I ended things nicely so that I could keep things civil.


Today ended it.






It looks like they are going to take my baby away. Because of you.

What is love?

Touching words from the mouth of babes.
What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8
_____
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4 (I love this one)
_____
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
_____
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
___
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
_____
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
_____
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
_____
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
_____
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
_____
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
_____
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
_____
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
_____
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
_____
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
_____
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
(what an image) Karen - age 7
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
_____
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

_____
And the final one --
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Today has been amazing.

We really got down and dirty. I worked with two men. I bathed and took care of Dominic, who had punched me, but was better later on. I had to bathe him, change his bedding, change him, transfer him to the geriatric chair, and then bring him to the dayroom. What a work out. Later on, I had to feed Al. Al is a very strange character. He is demented, with symptoms of Alzheimer's and mental degeneration. He didn't like anyone but me. He told me he liked me, and we sat and danced together. Though, his idea of dancing is moving in arms in front of him like he was going to punch someone. He told me he loved me, and that he wanted my watch. He had then told me that he killed a cop years ago.

Well. Looks like we now know why Mr. Al is in there.

I know this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. The charge nurse took me to the side, and told me that I am doing amazingly well, and she is going to give me a letter of recommendation for the Human Services Department at Eleanor Slater. She said Al is combative with everyone, and the fact that he was being good with me, and calling me really says something. She wants me to get hired and work for them on the ward.

Fucking sweet.

There is also a doctor there, who I have breaks with. His name is Alexander Grokin. He is in his late 20's, I believe. I mentioned in passing that I no longer in a relationship. So what does he do?

Gives me his number.

A hot doctor gave me his number. That was such a boost to my self-esteem.

I have decided that this is for the best. I thank you, actually, because now I know what I did wrong, and what to not settle for. I'm a completely different person, and I have you to thank for that. But we are nothing alike, and have nothing in common. I am surprised that it lasted as long as it did, honestly. I need stability. I need a drug free life. I want a family, a house, a nice car, etc. And I don't think you are ready for that.

I have a blind date tonight, and then a date this weekend with Mark. Maybe I'll give Dr. Grokin a call and see what he is up to...


Imagine.


Me with a doctor.



I'm so happy right now. I didn't think that was possible. But I don't think I am in love with you anymore, either. I am in love with who you used to be. I am not even mad at you anymore. I feel sorry for you. That's about it. Weird, isn't it? But things change, people change.


And Asia finds herself a hot doctor. <3<3<3

themadmuhzark: you have the most amazing ass ever, umm, because of its smartness...of course

I fooled myself again,
Into thinking he would stay.
I fooled myself again,
That fate would go my way.

I hate myself again,
For the emotions that I've lost.
I wish that it was yesterday,
So I could heat before the frost.

Fate fucked me over again,
As my prophet said it would.
But fate was never mine,
And it never could.

For seconds only,
I felt pure happiness,
But it was only for a week or two,
Only to impress.

I want to taste that fate again,
I want to taste that joy.
I want to taste the fake smile
Of his secret ploy

This is my message.

I seriously need to reevaluate my friend situation.

http://crazytelemarketer.ytmnd.com/


It's like 8 minutes, I think. But yeah.



Completely worth it.

August 2nd, 2006

Vans Warped Tour

Headlining:

NOFX

Anti-Flag (FUCK YES!)

Less Than Jake



And some other shitty no good bands that I can't think of.

But Anti-Flag?

THEY ARE MY FAVORITE FUCKING PUNK BAND.


Man. This made my day.

Wanna know what else made my day?


September 29th, 2006

TOOL

Tweeter Center





take me? pretty please? It'll make up for not being able to see AFI. TOTALLY will make up for it.



I dont' care if I live off Ramen and use napkins from McDonald's to wipe my shit. I'm going to the Warped Tour.


Fucking Anti-Flag, man.


You gotta do it.

I keep thinking about my mom, and just want to cry hysterically.

I keep thinking about things she won't be around for.

She won't be around when Noah starts school.

She won't be around when I graduate from college.



She won't be around for my wedding day.



For some reason, that bothers me more than anything else. I won't have my dad at my wedding. My mother. I am not speaking to my brother, so that is out of the picture, also.


I don't know how I'll be able to deal with things, when the situation comes. I can try and prepare myself as much as possible, but when the time comes, I won't be ready. Any preparations for grief will be thrown out the window.



I always thought she would be invincible, and just live forever. I never really thought about my life without her around.

They labeled my mother as terminal.



It looks like she has 3 years left, at most.







what the fuck.